Monday, October 16, 2017

#MeToo

I'vet been thinking about writing this post all day (because what Monday really needs is intensive thinking about sexual assault and misogyny) and wondering if it was really something I wanted to do. These are not memories I particularly want, and not things I would generally share outside of an actual face to face conversation- and maybe that's part of the problem.

So there was the young male teacher who wanted to be everybody's friend , he was young enough to have gone out with the only slightly older sister of one of my classmates, and not above referring to his ex in a derogatory way in class. I thought he was an arse, and someone I'd rather avoid. He told my mother, during parents evening, that he thought I'd probably been abused. I hadn't, it didn't make me warm to him. He told me, in front of a staff room full of collegues and another of my glass mates that he thought I was manipulative. It was probably my first experience as an almost adult of that feeling of shock and powerlessness that is never the reaction you expect to have. 

At university on an almost empty campus at the end of first year there was the builder who walked up to me, in the middle of the day, and simply grabbed my breast and laughed about it with his friend. Again, total shock. What do you say, who do you tell, who actually cares, and what the hell does somebody who thinks that's alright do next? I didn't tell anyone, couldn't have accurately described either man, simply didn't know what to do.

There was a customer when I worked in a bookshop, in the days before we talked about grooming, who would come in and initiate friendly conversation about books. He was very softly spoken so you had to lean in to hear him, but he seemed harmless enough until one day he just started talking filth. Total panic again trying to work out what reaction he expected and wanted. It seemed he wanted a reaction, but that not giving him one was encouragement for him to continue. I confided in an older, female colleague - her reaction; how do you think it makes Me feel that he's harassing You. Jealous apparently. It turned out that 'Eddie' had made a habit of doing this in every bookshop in town. He stopped coming into our shop after another male colleague recognised him as his sisters maths teacher. It was his relative anonymity that had made his behaviour possible. Now I'd call the police there and then, at the time I couldn't bring myself to repeat the things he'd said. 

There was the manager at work who had an escalating drink problem, not good in an off licence, he also had wandering hands when he'd been drinking, and a line in humour that it was hard to find funny. The situation came to a head when he verbally harassed a colleague young enough to be his daughter (in front of a group of us) and she asked me to back her up when she made an official complaint. There was a lot of pressure (from our female line manager) on us to drop the complaint, enough that it would have been easier to give in. I was asked to get everybody to make statements about his behaviour, assured they would be confidential, then after they were submitted, told that in fact they weren't confidential and that this man would have access to all of them. 

He was dismissed, but not for harassment, he hadn't been paying for the stock he was drinking. When I applied for his job, the job I'd been doing whilst he was incapable of it, and the job I was expected to do whilst he was suspended and replaced, I was told I wouldn't get it because I couldn't be seen to be rewarded for reporting him. It was not a nice time and I'm still grateful for the many male colleagues who did provide support - because happily it isn't all men.

I seldom wear a watch now after being followed across town by a man who initiated conversation after asking the time (it's a common approach). Despite increasingly explicit requests for him to leave me alone he followed me for about quarter of an hour, from the street door of my flat, with a constant stream of verbal harassment, only stopping when I reached the high street and there were to many people to close for him to carry on unnoticed. After a couple of taxi journeys when similar things happened I'm now reluctant to get taxis at all. 

And my list could go on, and on. Some incidents far more serious than any of these, dozens which are the common currency of women's lives (not just women at that) and hardly make an impression any more. But they should, and they should be talked about because I find the thing that bothers me most about #MeToo is how bad we are at talking about this kind of thing. I think about how poorly prepared I was to deal with any of the incidents that happened to me in my teens and twenties. How many times you're told that it's nothing, made to feel that complaining will be more trouble than it's worth, pressured not to complain because of the administrative problems it will create. Asked to consider the impact a complaint would have in the man involved, was his transgression serious enough to warrant the possibility of losing his job - and the guilt that makes you feel.There's the disbelief too, and all the rest of the toxic crap that gets thrown at you.

There's also the reality of complaining and following it through. I once went to court with a friend to support her whilst she got a restraining order against an ex who was stalking her. Listened whilst his lawyer attacked her on the stand, even asking if his client would give her children would she reconsider her position. That's how far he was from accepting that she simply didn't want to see him any more. 

Most of all though, it's the horrible feeling of shocked disbelief that this is happening (again), the realisation that you won't react the way you always thought you would, won't know what to say or do, and that (again) your power over a situation has been removed from you. It's humiliating and frightening, and can take a long time to get over. 


8 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this, Hayley. I'm so sorry you went through it. Reading people's stories across social media and elsewhere has made me angry and more fully aware of the reality that all women live - I hope I knew it already, but it brings it home, and men do need to be made more aware of what is happening.

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    1. I think we probably all need to be more aware, and definitely better at listening to what we're hearing at times. It's far to easy to dismiss things like this, or to assume that everybody will be affected in the same way by a comment or an action. Hopefully more awareness will help.

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  2. Thanks for your story, and I hope that I have your permission to share it (it is on line, so presumably OK) as it is so well written and so beautifully articulated as well as thoughtful and yes, dignified.

    In my country we now have, as president, a xenophobic, racist, draft dodging, tax dodging, sexist narcissistic bully who thinks that any "off" talk is just "locker room talk," and physical assaults are similarly treated. What a crummy role model he is on so many different levels.

    You were brave, and oh so right, to speak out and speak up. Bullying and abuse of power -- in any form (and social media is frighteningly easy to use for many nefarious purposes -- by either sex (or in this day and age by any one who is LGBT or whatever as well) has to be dealt with swiftly and decisively and with care and compassion for the victim or victims. Again, thank you.

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    1. Feel free to share, I'm thinking the more we talk about this sort of thing the better. It's a common experience, and at least as a white woman I don't have to add the casual racism that a lot of my friends and colleagues experience into the mix, never mind homophobia on top of that. At least people are talking about it more now, and if that stops some and makes them think about their own behaviour, encourages others to be more supportive when they see this kind of thing happening, or makes anyone feel less alone in the middle of a crappy experience then that's all helpful.

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  3. After I read your post, I did this, revealing my experiences, the other day with a friend. I thought I had only 2 or possibly 3 that rose to the level of stories worth telling (more than catcalls on the street and the like), but as I recalled them, others that I had forgotten came to mind, and then I had to stop, and shove them all away again. Of what you wrote, possibly the most devastating line was "I seldom wear a watch now" because of the seeming mundaneness combined with the lasting effect.

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  4. My partner asked if writing this post was cathartic. It wasn't, it was depressing. It doesn't feel grave to talk about it either, because it's such a common set of experiences, but I have found that every time I do talk about these things they feel less personal, less like they happened to me, and become stories with far less emotion attached (certainly any lingering sense of guilt or shame goes, and I just end up asking what kind of person behaves in that way?). I do also think that the way we're often made to feel that we shouldn't talk about harassment, that nobody much wants to hear about it, is part of the culture that allows do much of it to go on. I'm also wondering how it is for men in these kinds of situations when there's even less of a culture of speaking out? My feeling is that if it's useful to you to talk about it, it's useful for others to hear it, but only if it's useful for you to talk about it.

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  5. This is such a brave and powerful post, Hayley, and your examples are excellent at showing up the constant underlying pressure on women not to make a fuss and to go along with events that are entirely unacceptable. It's the story of reporting the man at work and then being refused a proper chance to apply for his job that will really stay with me. I find that appalling, and not least because whatever happens next, I really do think women need to stick together and be supportive and share what goes on. Your ex-boss's comment about not being rewarded is just.... actually words fail me.

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  6. I think just sharing what goes on is important - for men and women. To much bullying and inappropriate behaviour is hidden away because we just don't call it out, or accept that that's how things are. A lot if the time I suspect it's unintentional, or the result of poor communication, and talking about it more helps take the sting out of it. I also hope that doing that would make it easier to expose the genuinely predatory behaviour that is much more damaging both in intention and effect.

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